The Movie Buffer

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Film watching etiquette

This is another ongoing topic because one post is just not enough.

This one starts at home. The movie rental. Not all movies are viewed the same way: some require discussion during the movie (mulholland drive) and some need absolute silence (waking life). Lots of things get one my nerves about watching a flick at home and they are unlikely to stop until I get my own place, kill everyone around me or die. These are my top 4 pet peeves about rental movie viewing.

1. The "come-in-at-the-middle-and-ask-all-kinds-of-dumb-questions" problem.

Everyone has had this one. But what can you do? You tell the idiot to shut up and then he/she does and then at a crucial point in the plot they blurt something out. Goddamn! If only there was a way of watching the first part of the film again... Oh wait rewind the tape and watch it later or for you young'uns rewind the DVD!

2. The "Why did you rent this movie it looks stupid/infantile/animated" problem

To all those jackasses who think they're all that and a bag of partially gelatinized, non-gum based, dairy snacks, shut up! Just shut up! I spent my 5$ to rent this movie, crappy or not, and I intend on watching it. It may have been a mistake to do so but I'm not asking you to stay. I'm not pulling ye olde Clockwork Orange stunt and making you watch the Chronicles of Riddick with me. Just leave me be and you won't wake up to me shitting in your mouth.

3. The "I'm a film buff so it’s alright for me to ruin the movie with 2$ words" problem

Analysis of the film is key after everyone in the group has seen and watched the movie. During the film saying "The juxtaposition of light and dark in combination with the dolly work and angles give the film a pedantic and homoerotic feel. Kafka would be proud" is not only pointless because regular people don't know what that means but also rude because if what you're saying is true that one crazy plot line and everyone needs silence to understand it. Furthermore, thanks a lot moron, I can never watch the Care Bear movie again.

4. The "Is this the one" problem

This problem may be lumped in with the dumb questions problem but it is its own type of douche-baggery. The one where some mouth breathing cretin says " is this the movie where.....x?" where x is equal to the plot and the resolution of the film. In the immortal words of Dead Man on Campus “flush off, flushels!" Please enjoy this boot to the teeth.

Even I have am guilty of committing one or two of these sins but I paid dearly for it. Now that everyone know the rules, things should be getting better.


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